All Hallow's
I'm writing a play. The idea came to me when hearing some story or other about the Christian far-right (as you all shoudl know by now, I hate them). The play's about... well, I'll tell you that later. Anyway, it takes place in what is known asa "Hell House". For those unfamiliar (and I'm guessing that's most of you), in America, particularly the Bible Belt, there exist these things called "Hell Houses" where the idea is to portray to teenage minds the horrors of hell and "sin" (I put it in inverted commas because homosexuality is regarded as a sin, and, well, just see the post below this one). These things are run by the Christian Extremists in the hope of converting, no.... that's the wrong word... terrifying these children into Christianity. So, I had to do some research (my knowledge of these establishments comes from one article I read in the Independent some time ago). In order to research I typed "Hell House" into Google and I clicked on a likely looking result, it led me to the Landover Baptist Church ("The Largest and Most Powerful Assembly of Worthwhile People Ever to Exist. Unsaved are NOT Welcome"). Here's a brief description of what the Hell House at the Landover Baptist Church is:
"Landover Baptist's "Hell House" is an outreach event that is structured very much like a typical haunted house that people visit and walk through. It is the only place on our 35 square miles of Church campus that unsaved people are welcome to visit since, after all, without the unsaved there would be no Hell in the first place."
In line with what I've already told you ("outreach" is some sort of Christian marketing scheme: http://www.outreach.com/print/default.asp). Please note the spin in the last sentence.
It goes on to say this:
"Hell House capitalizes on the High Holiday of nonBaptists, Halloween (Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth") a time of year when the Devil celebrates the Fall of man and the rise of Catholicism, and when people have trickery in their hearts and Satan on their minds."
So, you see..... wait a minute, let me read that again. *reading, muttering, mumbling etc.*
WHAT? These people would have you believe that Halloween is Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth". Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a LIE. No two ways about it, no excuses, no equivocating, this is a lie. Halloween is short for "All Hallow's Eve", which is a Christian celebration (not the "High Holiday" of the nonBaptists, whatever that is, but I'lll come to that bit later). It celebrates all the blessed souls (not Satan etc.). The irony here is that Halloween celebrates the exact opposite of what the Baptists think, in fact, it celebrates the very thing that they want ot be, te "hallowed souls" (Those saved by Jesus). So, they're lying. Either that or they're just plain stupid. The annoying thing is that most people would believe it (unless they knew what Halloween actually meant) because it's come to be a time for frightening things.
But this is also a lesson in spin. Notice how the author portrays (or attempts to portray) the nonBaptists as evil, Satan worshippers by saying that their "High Holiday" is the time when they worship Satan. I'd say somethign like "clever, eh?" here, but I don't want to credit the extremists with that.
Anyway, the point of this article is, as well as advertising their hell house etc., is to declare the fact that thye've nicked 200 corpses from the Turkish Earthquake (yes, this was a while ago) for use in their Hell House. Corpses that would have been "wasted in mass graves". I wonder if they asked permission from the families, or thought of respecting the corspes... probably not, afterall, they are Muslims and unbelievers and all that, so it's OK, right?
Anyway, on with the article (sorry, this is going to be long).
"We intend to so traumatize people with images of death and Hell, that they will have no choice by to fall flat on their faces in the conversion tent and repent, get baptized and get their little Devil loving souls into church!"
Oh, the shamelessness of it. They want to traumatise teenagers... aren't they nice people? And also not the deduction that anyone who isn't a Baptist loves the Devil, oh the gleeful shamelessness of it all.
"Groups of 20-25 people will tour Hell House with their own personal demon acting as their tour guide. The 10 scenes each last 2-3 minutes (with the exception of one scene that now only lasts 30 seconds, in an effort to cut down on all the vomit we had to clean up between groups last year)."
OK, these people sound charming, and their very own Demon to guide them.... how kind.
"Scene 1 is a funeral scene of a teenage homosexual boy who has died of AIDS he caught from the ink on the book report graded by his pedophile homosexual Secular-History teacher."
I'm sorry, there's only one thign I can say here:
What the fuck? He caught AIDS from INK. Is that possible? I'm not a doctor, so I don't know, but I don't think that that's possible. And what's wrong with Secular-History? You want us to teach what, the Biblical era and the Spanish Inquisition?
"His disease-riddled body will be carried to the lake of fire by the Devil himself. Boils and blisters will pop realistic pus from the plague covered face of the sodomite child, while dysentery takes its horrible toll from his exploding buttocks, as he is placed into the lapping flames of eternal damnation."
See the post below this one for how I feel about this. It's that Old Testament that stops me beign a Christian.
"Scene 2 is a drunk-driving scene where a father realizes he has just killed his family. He will shoot himself in the head, just grazing his skull (splattering bits of bits of bloody skull on the windshield), and continue shooting bullets into his writhing drunk body until finally he lurches towards the on-lookers causing a spray of warm blood to spattered onto the unsaved crowd. Cackles of hellish laughter will be heard as the drunk's body goes limp and falls onto the floor."
OK, I'm all for the anti-drink-driving message, but really. Again, I'm not even sure it's possible, but it just seems gratuitous, can't we stick to those adverts with the two blokes in the pub?
"Scene 3 will depict the real autopsy of a teen-suicide (We have flown in over 200 real corpses from morgues as far away as Istanbul for this event). The Christian doctor will pull the heart out of a each body and put it in a jar of formaldehyde labeled "Unsaved." "
Mmmmmyes, because that happens. This is what the corpses are for? This? I'm sorry, but I think they should show some more respect to these people and not use their bodies to convert children to a religion that they probably didn't believe in. And even if they did, it's not right, morally, or indeed in any other way.
"Scene 4 is a pre-teenage drug usage scene where everyone will be surprised who is really in control."
Ah, finally they're talkign abotu something important: peer pressure...
"The Devil..."
Spoke too soon
"The Devil will smoke marijuana with a 11 year old little girl."
I see. There's not much I can say about this. Yes, marijuana is smoked by 11 year olds (I fairly sure, hey, some of them even take heroin).
"The girl will instantly become "stoned" and scream for the Devil to impregnate her with his unholy Spawn. Given the power of a gorilla by her evil drug, the little harlot will try to overpower the Beast and rape him, only to become violently ill and die of the all too familiar "marijuana overdose""
Yes. Quite. In the words of Robin Williams "Marijuana does many thigns. It enhances colours, sounds, experiances. It does NOT fucking empower you."
He's right. Marijuana doesn't give you "the power of a gorilla". My other issue is with the "death by marijuana overdose". I'm sorry, this doesn't happen. You'd fall asleep before youtook nearly enough to kill yourself. They also say that Hendrix died of marijuana overdose. No, he didn't. This is a lie. He died, as his death certificate says, of "inhalation of vomit after barbiturate intoxicatoin" the "barbiturate" was a sleeping pill (which he overdosed on), not cannabis.
"Scene 5 is a riveting abortion scene"
Ooooo, riveting eh?
"Satan will play the role of the Jewish doctor."
Because Jews are evil, aren't they? Come on, they were persecuted by the Nazis, they have to be evil. Anti-semites.
"As the fetus is sucked out of the woman's private area, the devil will open the bottle of bloody chunks and consume it. As the blood drips from the corners of his mouth, he will let out a Hellish burp! He will then smash the bottle on the floor, throw back his head, and let out a ghastly howl!"
Not really sure what to make of this other than the old "abortion bad" thing. I disagree with the statement, I am pro-choice and people that want to ban aboriton are just plain stupid. OK, don't have an aboriton if you don't want it, but what gives you the right to make yuor beliefs inot my laws?
"The final two scenes are hell and heaven."
Oh Dante, where have you ogne?
"In hell the Tour meets Satan himself. Hell will be hot, smoky, loud, visually disturbing, and sensually confusing. Satan will boast that everything they have witnessed in Hell House has been his handiwork, and that he will have their souls, too."
I see. I can't argue with this except to say that certain theologian, my grandfather included (former Chaplain at various schools, a Canon, Doctor of Theology and an Anglican) say that Hell might not actually exist.
"They are then rescued out of hell by angels and Landover Deacons"
Isn't that nice, and those Landover folks too.
"They are then rescued out of hell by angels and Landover Deacons that escort them to heaven where they finally meet Jesus. But Jesus will turn to them in a loud echoy voice and proclaim for all the room to hear: "You think you have just seen the Hell that awaits you? Ha! Wait till you see what the Father, me and the Holy Ghost have REALLY cooked up for you! An eternity of torture so brutal it will make what you have just seen look like a little fairy picnic! And don't come crying to me when you get there! Landover Baptist gave you the chance to be saved and you never took it. Never even picked up a pre-printed tithing envelope conveniently located by each exit! Get thee Hence you unsaved worthless Sinners!"
What? Does Jesus really do advertising? Hey, that would be great.. maybe i could get him to advertise my blog.......
I thought Jesus was supposed to be a nice guy. Loving, forgiving, accepting, tolerant. But no, he just wants to torture sinners. Charming. Personally, I don't believe it.
"Before leaving heaven they are given the opportunity to pray a prayer of salvation, and to also visit or pray further with a counselor."
OK, back to a reasonable use of a church, praying for forgiveness, talkign to God, all the usual stuff. Wonderful.
"If they refuse to accept Christ, they are forced back into Scene 6 where they will enter a hidden door into Scene 6b."
I knew there'd be a catch. Observe the word "forced", sounds ominous, doesn't it?
"In this scene they will witness a deranged lust-filled homosexual raping a live chicken."
I'm sorry, I just have to stop laughing. Now then, let us move on past this scene (I can't comment, i just can't, this is too weird).
"The chicken will then be be-headed, de-feathered, and cooked. The unrepentant souls will then be given the choice of eating the unholy chicken or going forward to scene 7."
Oh, hey, free food (I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to prove).
There is more about if you don't accept Christ you are whipped and beaten, and I would write about it in a suitably shocked and horrified tone, but I can't keep it up.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Landover Baptist Church is, to the best of my reasoning and knowledge, a hoax.
BUT, such places do exist (without the whipping etc.) and to the best of my knowledge, this is a fairly decent retelling of what goes on in them. The quesiton is, apart form being factually wrong, is it morally wrong as well? I believe it is. We can't shock people into believing in God, they need to find it for themselves. This sort of behaviour is a disgrace.
Anyway, on with the play...
"Landover Baptist's "Hell House" is an outreach event that is structured very much like a typical haunted house that people visit and walk through. It is the only place on our 35 square miles of Church campus that unsaved people are welcome to visit since, after all, without the unsaved there would be no Hell in the first place."
In line with what I've already told you ("outreach" is some sort of Christian marketing scheme: http://www.outreach.com/print/default.asp). Please note the spin in the last sentence.
It goes on to say this:
"Hell House capitalizes on the High Holiday of nonBaptists, Halloween (Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth") a time of year when the Devil celebrates the Fall of man and the rise of Catholicism, and when people have trickery in their hearts and Satan on their minds."
So, you see..... wait a minute, let me read that again. *reading, muttering, mumbling etc.*
WHAT? These people would have you believe that Halloween is Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth". Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a LIE. No two ways about it, no excuses, no equivocating, this is a lie. Halloween is short for "All Hallow's Eve", which is a Christian celebration (not the "High Holiday" of the nonBaptists, whatever that is, but I'lll come to that bit later). It celebrates all the blessed souls (not Satan etc.). The irony here is that Halloween celebrates the exact opposite of what the Baptists think, in fact, it celebrates the very thing that they want ot be, te "hallowed souls" (Those saved by Jesus). So, they're lying. Either that or they're just plain stupid. The annoying thing is that most people would believe it (unless they knew what Halloween actually meant) because it's come to be a time for frightening things.
But this is also a lesson in spin. Notice how the author portrays (or attempts to portray) the nonBaptists as evil, Satan worshippers by saying that their "High Holiday" is the time when they worship Satan. I'd say somethign like "clever, eh?" here, but I don't want to credit the extremists with that.
Anyway, the point of this article is, as well as advertising their hell house etc., is to declare the fact that thye've nicked 200 corpses from the Turkish Earthquake (yes, this was a while ago) for use in their Hell House. Corpses that would have been "wasted in mass graves". I wonder if they asked permission from the families, or thought of respecting the corspes... probably not, afterall, they are Muslims and unbelievers and all that, so it's OK, right?
Anyway, on with the article (sorry, this is going to be long).
"We intend to so traumatize people with images of death and Hell, that they will have no choice by to fall flat on their faces in the conversion tent and repent, get baptized and get their little Devil loving souls into church!"
Oh, the shamelessness of it. They want to traumatise teenagers... aren't they nice people? And also not the deduction that anyone who isn't a Baptist loves the Devil, oh the gleeful shamelessness of it all.
"Groups of 20-25 people will tour Hell House with their own personal demon acting as their tour guide. The 10 scenes each last 2-3 minutes (with the exception of one scene that now only lasts 30 seconds, in an effort to cut down on all the vomit we had to clean up between groups last year)."
OK, these people sound charming, and their very own Demon to guide them.... how kind.
"Scene 1 is a funeral scene of a teenage homosexual boy who has died of AIDS he caught from the ink on the book report graded by his pedophile homosexual Secular-History teacher."
I'm sorry, there's only one thign I can say here:
What the fuck? He caught AIDS from INK. Is that possible? I'm not a doctor, so I don't know, but I don't think that that's possible. And what's wrong with Secular-History? You want us to teach what, the Biblical era and the Spanish Inquisition?
"His disease-riddled body will be carried to the lake of fire by the Devil himself. Boils and blisters will pop realistic pus from the plague covered face of the sodomite child, while dysentery takes its horrible toll from his exploding buttocks, as he is placed into the lapping flames of eternal damnation."
See the post below this one for how I feel about this. It's that Old Testament that stops me beign a Christian.
"Scene 2 is a drunk-driving scene where a father realizes he has just killed his family. He will shoot himself in the head, just grazing his skull (splattering bits of bits of bloody skull on the windshield), and continue shooting bullets into his writhing drunk body until finally he lurches towards the on-lookers causing a spray of warm blood to spattered onto the unsaved crowd. Cackles of hellish laughter will be heard as the drunk's body goes limp and falls onto the floor."
OK, I'm all for the anti-drink-driving message, but really. Again, I'm not even sure it's possible, but it just seems gratuitous, can't we stick to those adverts with the two blokes in the pub?
"Scene 3 will depict the real autopsy of a teen-suicide (We have flown in over 200 real corpses from morgues as far away as Istanbul for this event). The Christian doctor will pull the heart out of a each body and put it in a jar of formaldehyde labeled "Unsaved." "
Mmmmmyes, because that happens. This is what the corpses are for? This? I'm sorry, but I think they should show some more respect to these people and not use their bodies to convert children to a religion that they probably didn't believe in. And even if they did, it's not right, morally, or indeed in any other way.
"Scene 4 is a pre-teenage drug usage scene where everyone will be surprised who is really in control."
Ah, finally they're talkign abotu something important: peer pressure...
"The Devil..."
Spoke too soon
"The Devil will smoke marijuana with a 11 year old little girl."
I see. There's not much I can say about this. Yes, marijuana is smoked by 11 year olds (I fairly sure, hey, some of them even take heroin).
"The girl will instantly become "stoned" and scream for the Devil to impregnate her with his unholy Spawn. Given the power of a gorilla by her evil drug, the little harlot will try to overpower the Beast and rape him, only to become violently ill and die of the all too familiar "marijuana overdose""
Yes. Quite. In the words of Robin Williams "Marijuana does many thigns. It enhances colours, sounds, experiances. It does NOT fucking empower you."
He's right. Marijuana doesn't give you "the power of a gorilla". My other issue is with the "death by marijuana overdose". I'm sorry, this doesn't happen. You'd fall asleep before youtook nearly enough to kill yourself. They also say that Hendrix died of marijuana overdose. No, he didn't. This is a lie. He died, as his death certificate says, of "inhalation of vomit after barbiturate intoxicatoin" the "barbiturate" was a sleeping pill (which he overdosed on), not cannabis.
"Scene 5 is a riveting abortion scene"
Ooooo, riveting eh?
"Satan will play the role of the Jewish doctor."
Because Jews are evil, aren't they? Come on, they were persecuted by the Nazis, they have to be evil. Anti-semites.
"As the fetus is sucked out of the woman's private area, the devil will open the bottle of bloody chunks and consume it. As the blood drips from the corners of his mouth, he will let out a Hellish burp! He will then smash the bottle on the floor, throw back his head, and let out a ghastly howl!"
Not really sure what to make of this other than the old "abortion bad" thing. I disagree with the statement, I am pro-choice and people that want to ban aboriton are just plain stupid. OK, don't have an aboriton if you don't want it, but what gives you the right to make yuor beliefs inot my laws?
"The final two scenes are hell and heaven."
Oh Dante, where have you ogne?
"In hell the Tour meets Satan himself. Hell will be hot, smoky, loud, visually disturbing, and sensually confusing. Satan will boast that everything they have witnessed in Hell House has been his handiwork, and that he will have their souls, too."
I see. I can't argue with this except to say that certain theologian, my grandfather included (former Chaplain at various schools, a Canon, Doctor of Theology and an Anglican) say that Hell might not actually exist.
"They are then rescued out of hell by angels and Landover Deacons"
Isn't that nice, and those Landover folks too.
"They are then rescued out of hell by angels and Landover Deacons that escort them to heaven where they finally meet Jesus. But Jesus will turn to them in a loud echoy voice and proclaim for all the room to hear: "You think you have just seen the Hell that awaits you? Ha! Wait till you see what the Father, me and the Holy Ghost have REALLY cooked up for you! An eternity of torture so brutal it will make what you have just seen look like a little fairy picnic! And don't come crying to me when you get there! Landover Baptist gave you the chance to be saved and you never took it. Never even picked up a pre-printed tithing envelope conveniently located by each exit! Get thee Hence you unsaved worthless Sinners!"
What? Does Jesus really do advertising? Hey, that would be great.. maybe i could get him to advertise my blog.......
I thought Jesus was supposed to be a nice guy. Loving, forgiving, accepting, tolerant. But no, he just wants to torture sinners. Charming. Personally, I don't believe it.
"Before leaving heaven they are given the opportunity to pray a prayer of salvation, and to also visit or pray further with a counselor."
OK, back to a reasonable use of a church, praying for forgiveness, talkign to God, all the usual stuff. Wonderful.
"If they refuse to accept Christ, they are forced back into Scene 6 where they will enter a hidden door into Scene 6b."
I knew there'd be a catch. Observe the word "forced", sounds ominous, doesn't it?
"In this scene they will witness a deranged lust-filled homosexual raping a live chicken."
I'm sorry, I just have to stop laughing. Now then, let us move on past this scene (I can't comment, i just can't, this is too weird).
"The chicken will then be be-headed, de-feathered, and cooked. The unrepentant souls will then be given the choice of eating the unholy chicken or going forward to scene 7."
Oh, hey, free food (I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to prove).
There is more about if you don't accept Christ you are whipped and beaten, and I would write about it in a suitably shocked and horrified tone, but I can't keep it up.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Landover Baptist Church is, to the best of my reasoning and knowledge, a hoax.
BUT, such places do exist (without the whipping etc.) and to the best of my knowledge, this is a fairly decent retelling of what goes on in them. The quesiton is, apart form being factually wrong, is it morally wrong as well? I believe it is. We can't shock people into believing in God, they need to find it for themselves. This sort of behaviour is a disgrace.
Anyway, on with the play...
posted by CJM | 8:22 PM
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